Daddy issues

I don't really know where to start.

My mom and dad got married young and divorced in about a year. My mom remarried to my step dad when I was 3. I saw my dad every other weekend. I had everything I wanted and needed thanks to my dad and step dad and mom. My brother was born when I was 9. When I was about 14 I found out my dad (biological dad) was a drug addict. Looking back now, I see where a piece of my heart broke off. I have dealt with him struggling with addiction my whole teenage and adult life. It was very hard on me. I saw multiple counselors to help me.

My mom and step dad got divorced a few years after I got married. Again, looking back, I can see my heart breaking again. My step dad and I were very close, or so I thought. But I guess he thought that when he divorced my mom, he divored me too. I mean, I wasn't his biological kid. Even though when I was a sophomore in high school I changed my last name from my biological dad's last name to my step dads. Over the years my biological dad and I have had a hot/cold relationship. Fighting, not fighting, not speaking, speaking... My step dad seemed to drop out of my life almost overnight.

It hurts so much to analyze this part of my life. When my children were born it seemed my step dad struggled to communicate with me. He saw my son after he was born, and my daughter. But there were never conversations over the phone, no dinners with the family, no birthday or Christmas cards. I briefly reconnected with my step dad a few summers ago. We both lived in Edmond and he had a pool. He let us come swimming whenever we wanted to. I think he even got me a birthday card that summer. Then after that... Nothing. He moved to another state. I tried to get him to have dinner with us before he moved. He never did. Then when he moved he never contacted me again. He has a new wife and a new family. My brother sees him a lot. But I just don't fit into his life. My kids won't really know him.

I've thought about confronting him about it. To find out where, if ever, we went wrong. But I'm too terrified of the confirmation of rejection. Or to find out that maybe it is all in my head. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I was a very rebellious teenager. My brother was too. I just have never been able to find out the difference between me and my brother, besides that he's my step dads only son. But I was his daughter for 17 years of our lives. Wasn't that enough to keep me in his life forever? What did I do that was so horrible? Or am I just so invisible that I don't matter at all? My children deserve to know him. When I was struggling with my biological dad, my step dad was there for me.

I've tried to keep up to date on his life, even though we don't talk. I wished him a happy Father's Day and happy birthday, but I never got any response. Sometimes it hurts to see him posting things on Facebook. Because it's like looking in on a life I'm not a part of anymore. I always called him dad. Just dad. But what do I call him now? Do I ever call him at all?